dovahfem:

mtsheetmusic:

dovahfem:

Queer polyamorous ladies: Do you have a particularly hard time seeking out other women? It kind of sucks that as soon as I mention I have a boyfriend to a woman I’m flirting with, she usually responds with “ I’m not looking to do the threesome thing” and like, who the fuck said I was? They act all uncomfortable as if I’m suddenly going to pressure them to fuck my partner just because I said I’m poly. Like, I’m honest, and upfront about my relationship and the fact that I have a boyfriend, but the simple mention of me being bisexual/polyamorous conjures up images of me solely wanting threesomes to certain people.

Newsflash: It’s possible for me to actually desire other women outside of my relationship with my boyfriend all on my own accord.

I want female companionship, a woman to do the gay stuff with like hold hands, brush her hair, complain about a lack of representation in media, and yeah, maybe fuck. You don’t have to sleep with my boyfriend, we don’t have to have a threesome, and you’re not obligated to date me.

Yeah, I think it’s kind of shitty for you to immediately jump to that conclusion because I’m bisexual and polyamorous as if I’m this deviant trying to lure you into fucking my partner. I’ve had so many people immediately assume I’m looking for a threesome because I’m poly and in a relationship with a man, so I must not be genuine in my attraction to women.

I’ll just be straight up: it stinks of queer/biphobia. The whole ‘’bi women are predatory because they’re ‘’’’’available’’’’’ to men.” There’s no word for being prejudice towards polyamorous people, so I’ll just call it shitty.

If a woman I’m interested in wants to have a threesome with my boyfriend she can bring it up; I would never suggest it let alone expect it and maybe you shouldn’t assume that’s what I’m looking for just because I’m polyamorous/bi.

It’s not all threesomes and fucking, ya asshole. 

I totally understand, but I feel like these women immediately jump to that because queer women are ALWAYS solicited for threesomes. I can’t count how many tinder matches were couples trying to get a third in. I don’t think these women are on the offense trying to attack you/reject you, but more defense saying “hey thats not what im in to and everyone assumes that I am because of my sexuality” and I think thats a fair assumption to make given the issues facing queer women.

That being said, if they’re not understanding or rude once you say that, then they’re not worth your time and rude. I’m just saying, I think a lot of women are quick to this assumption because we have to be.

As a queer woman, I understand and can relate to your comment. There are in fact plenty of straight women on dating sites seeking out queer women to have threesomes with their boyfriends. I have been approached/harassed by them myself. It’s insulting and fucked up, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about biphobia, something I’ve experienced all too often on these online dating sites by merely being open about my sexuality and honest about my polyamory.

When I state that I have a boyfriend, I’m doing the right thing, what you’re supposed to do in a polyamorous relationship. I am upfront, and honest about the fact that I am in a relationship from the beginning. As a polyamorous queer woman, I find it essential to let people on dating sites know that I am I a relationship. It’s something that I have even put in my bio on dating sites, but not everyone always reads it before shooting someone a message.

I have received outright biphobic comments and responses whenever I mention that I have a boyfriend, from accusations and assumptions to insults and outright disgust.

It’s something bi women experience all too often. The biphobia becomes more apparent when I receive anon hate like this or comments like these that are blatantly hateful and precisely what I’m talking about.  They are reacting with disgust and immediately assuming I am ONLY seeking out threesomes which I’m not, something I state clearly in this post.

There is biphobia in the queer community, and that ask is a small example of it. We experience it on dating sites through comments like those and similar.

The problem is that a lot of women assume that just because a queer woman is bisexual and polyamorous that she only desires other women for threesomes rather than of her own accord. A lot of people think that my attraction to women is not genuine and that it only exists to serve men, like my boyfriend. That’s biphobia.

We have every right to be defensive on dating sites with the number of straight couples seeking us out like we exist to please them. My point is that when another queer woman is honest with you and says she has a boyfriend and is polyamorous, your first response shouldn’t be disgust, and treating her like a straight girl seeking out a threesome as I explained in my post.

Ignoring the biphobia that queer women face on dating sites isn’t helpful, and although I understand your point because I’ve encountered it myself, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I want to reiterate that I see where you’re coming from as it’s something I’ve experienced myself, from straight women seeking out threesomes. I do get it, and I understand us having to be defensive to a certain degree, but in this particular post I’m talking specifically about biphobia, and I can tell when I’m experiencing it. 

I felt like your response was a little dismissive of my own experiences which is what I was talking about in the first place. I was trying to reach out to other bi/pan/poly women who feel as I do and have experienced the type of queerphobia that I’m talking about. We know the difference when someone is being queerphobic, or just protecting themselves.

I don’t want to start discourse because you’re entitled to your opinion as a queer woman even though I don’t necessarily agree with it in this context. This isn’t something I’m open to starting a huge debate over is what I’m saying, you’re entitled to your opinion, and like i said i can relate to what you’re trying to say.

Biphobia in queer communities is a real thing though, and I should be able to discuss my experiences with others who have gone through similar situations without being told that it’s not, in fact, biphobia I’m facing. There is a specific set of hurdles that bi/pan/polyamorous queer women have to jump over when we enter the dating world which is what I’m talking about here.